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Saturday, 14 April 2012

Let me quickly say that 2011 was a much better year than 2010. I knew happiness. I knew giddiness. I knew the joy of coming home to someone who was happy to see me. I knew the warmth of his arms and his bed. The feeling of belonging, if only for the short time I was home. But the bad also happened; falling out of friendships, in particular. Friends from back home, from Arizona. A lot of ups and downs in the relationships, but he was the one constant; he, who made my day brighter with just a hello.

But 2012 came, and things have changed. I now feel abandoned. And there's no lonelier thing in the world in loving someone who doesn't love you back. And yes, I do believe I'm in love with him. And when I'm by his side, I feel as if he could love me, too. The constant hand-holding, the kisses, the way he holds me in bed. But he's as dismissive as he's considerate; things are never meant to be perfect. And he didn't call on Valentine's day. But he took me on an elaborate date-day as soon as I came home. It's a constant roller coaster of emotions this year. Last year, I never doubted that he thought about me. This year, well, it's been 5 days since our last communication. What am I supposed to think? I have no idea anymore what he does when I'm not around. He doesn't tell me. It's as if he doesn't want to share his life with me. Nor does he care what I do with my life. Never a question, rarely a comment. When I called him about my crashed hard drive, his response was mostly in reprimands and an abrupt goodbye.

The problem is, I don't feel as if I could, should, talk to anyone about this. It's such a weird relationship, after all. I'm not sure exactly how I should feel.

But, I think it's time something changed. I can't take this oppressive depression that befalls me every time he ignores me. I can't read stupid Nora Roberts novels because it depresses me that people fall in love so easily and I can't. I can't stop crying over the fact that I'm still alone, after all this time. People are starting their lives all around me, and I feel as if I'm stuck in Purgatory. I understand the pathetic nature of my lament, and I reprimand friends who feel the way I feel now, but I can't prevent the depressive onset.

I've barely eaten all day, and while that's wonderful for my figure, I know the harm.

I know what I have to do, but I'm a coward. I've always been a coward; afraid to hurt, afraid to change, afraid to lose. Please let me find the strength to do what I have to do, to save myself.

Sunday, 02 January 2011

Happy New Year

Cheers to a better year than 2010 was.

Quick recap of the bad parts of 2010

A New Years Day fight
I kissed a boy other than my bf
I lied to another boy about the truth of my relationships
I hurt another boy just because I wanted us to stay friends
I got my heart pummeled when all the lies fell away and left only truth
EDC 2010 Saturday was heartbreaking
Failing a competency
Losing Fantasy Football (2)
Becoming less good friends with Van

Quick recap of the good parts of 2010

Meeting a boy who adored me and drove out to Arizona to see me
Mammoth 2010
Meeting a friend's sister who became an instant friend
Alaska Cruise 2010
EDC 2010 Friday was amazing
Becoming better friends with Van
Vegas July 2010
Vegas August 2010
NYC 2010
Labor Day Weekend 2010
Birthday 2010
Thanksgiving Break 2010
Tahoe 2010
NYE with Will, Annie, Ryan, & Barney

Looking back, there were some damn good things about 2010. It definitely outweighs the bad, perhaps. Let's try to make all of 2011 a good year.

Recap of NYE and NY day

Saw Cerritos Crew for lunch, plus lil bro
Went to Nexus with friends, listed above.
Dropped, Tucked, and Rolled my way to happiness
Was giddy driving to Don's, where the guys were still up and were happy to see me.
Feels good, feeling loved
Drank some post-midnight sparkly with the first kiss of the year
Slumbered my way through the first hours of NY day lounging in bed with self-declared "greatest cuddler in the world."

Status of January 1: Best NYE ever

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

you're leaving today, and my heart feels like something is ripped away. you took something from me. you meant more to me than i thought you would, more than i hoped you would. i still remember the first night i met you. i remember you texting me the next day. i remember your liberal politics. your "talent" of telling which nationality an asian girl was. you're leaving today, and i don't know how to reconcile that. you'll be gone for 3-9 months. by the time you come back, you'll have forgotten me. and hopefully, i'll have forgotten you too.

Monday, 09 February 2009

DK I just gave us a tarot reading.

Past: Knight of Cups >> I'm becoming enamored with you. Things are new and maybe they won't work out.. but I'm going to take the chance with this new opportunity, this new chance.
Present: XVIII The Moon >> There are two paths in front of me. Wild and carefree or Domesticated and boring. I should take neither, for both are illusions. I need to compromise. Maybe it suggests that I shouldn't hate you for what you did, nor should I forgive you. It's a difficult road, and I can attest to the constant pain. But perhaps this is also for you. To want me, or not. It took you eight months, with my final push, to make up your mind. But perhaps nothing is as it seems.
Hidden Obstacles: Six of Cups >> Memory. Perhaps the memory of you is what's preventing me from moving on. Perhaps the memory of your loved one is what's preventing you from loving me. There is a certain appeal to nostalgia, to holding onto old pain. It insulates you, isolates you. Perhaps this is what we both failed to counter.
Obstacles to Overcome: King of Wands >> Someone, probably me, is too strong-willed, strong-minded. I need to stay away from a cry for attention and fame. Maybe I shouldn't talk about him. Keep him private. Keep my opinions to myself. Refrain from making opinions. A factor of this is sexual passion. Is that all it is? Is this what we have to overcome? Make it something more than sexual gratification?
Attitude of Others: VII Chariot (R)>> They don't know what to think. They don't know how to feel about this situation. However, some also think it's a failure, that it's not worth pursuing and is going to be fraught with delays and frustration. Perhaps they're right.
What to do: I Magician (R) >> Something fishy is going on. There's more deception in the air and in the future. I must be wary of them. I have to be careful of whom I trust because if I trust the wrong person, my thoughts will turn even more negative.
Outcome: King of Swords (R) >> There will be a loss of confidence and inability to make decisions. Tyranny will run supreme. I'm going to be deceived. I will place my trust in the wrong person and end up hurt, again.

I have 2 kings, a knight, 3 major cards, and 1 non-face card. I have major influence in all of these, and am not simply a recipient of fate. Power to me. And down with you. I won't let you deceive me again.